sy dah jd anak yatim...

A child which was thrown away at birth or abandoned n ignored later is just the same. I was also thrown away...26yrs later. Though they keep blaming me tt cos of me all this happened.. Bla bla bla.. I still got thrown away. If they really needed me or wantd me they wld hv kept me no matter wat...

The Phone Call

Remember me saying how much i missed my mum..I think Allah was so merciful towards me to show me who should i miss and who aint worthy of my feelings.. or infact, who dont bother much abt me... She called me back on Thursday during work.. It started well. she askd me how i was feeling, whether i had lunch n all.. N i askd her ' ok so wat abt coming down here to talk to my in-laws?' n she started.. It seems my side is worried on how my in laws will receive them. whether they will get the due respect n honor (:P). Ok, that is ok.. even though they give more importance to their honor n pride rather than me n my baby.. its ok. But wat she went on to say, i cant tk it.. she told me to leave to home without telling any1 here.. n when i askd wat r u talking about? How can i do that? How will i go to the airport? n she said.. take a cab.. n i was like ? ???? ' so u want me to leave my husband? dont tell him?' n she said..oh just tell him, do a drama.. say tt u wanna see ur parents n all n ask him to send u.. n once ur here dont go back. they will give in once u give birth. I realli dunno her niyat. She cannot respect another muslim. She cant even think for a minute from their shoes or even mine. Wat she said was soooo absurd to me. No mother who wants her daughter to hv a peaceful like with her husband will ever say that.She said if i was smart enuff i can coax my husband n settle in my homeland. n when i said how can i do it alone, i need family support.. n she said u did all these on ur own wat..this 1 u dunno how to do ah? I said cos i did it on my own im struggling now..if u all cm n do for me nicely it wld all hv been so much btr.. N worst aft that, she still can talk abt my old proposal.Well, this topic came up when i said they didnt treat my husband's side well when they came to see me.. n she said owh.. cos i was so hurt tt u didnt want tt guy. I said.. tt guy drinks n lies n even challenged to marry me e moment i told him tt i dont like him... yet u still like him rite? n she reasoned, he said he will give so much of jewellery... n even a building.. bla bla... i totally lost it. i said its ok ma, leave it.. u dont hv to give in.let me be like this... bye. n hung up... i cried like a baby aft tt.. I really duno y she cant give in n accept the reality. I am far more happier in life now...but this, she can never accept... last nite, rashidah was trying to reason out with me.. n she even said ' even i was upset tt u got married to ur liking' wat the fuking hell?? Bloody ass.. even u had a love marriage. just cos urs failed, so?? N when i said..its ok, im glad tt im happpy here, she said..see! ur so self centered.. all u need is ur happiness. tts y u not doing anything. n she kenna nicely from me also. i said if im so self centred n happy i wont be doing so much ok.. im trying to patch up both sides.. but family dun wanna help.wat u want me to do?? I dunno when they r gonna change n compromise.. but aft tt phone call with my mum, i made up my mind in a way.. I dont need people with these kind of ego n false pride in my life. Neither me nor my baby needs them. Good nite.

Moodswings.

It took me 5 mins to create this blog. I had to do it real fast cos i need a venue to vent out my thots n expressions.. I'm having a throbbing headache u noe! ... I'm 10 n a half weeks pregnant. 1st pregnancy. And im doing this instead of a conventional book diary sort cos it can be really personal. I dont want any1 to know that my feelings n emotions r pouring over this blog until I want them to. and that wld probably be the days towards the end of my pregnancy period... I hope this blog would serve as a memory for myself.. a reference for my kid(s)/husband...etc. I'm really feeling so lonely today. Pregnancy.. esp early trimester, is not fun at all! It really sucks as much as it is delightful. I was excited n elated at the thot that I'm gonna be a mummy to enter a new phase of my life.. and totally appreciative of the care that I get from everyone, close or far... However, my body is not coorperating with my mind. especially when i'm working... I get so tired easily.. And even if that can be managed.. oh my god! My mood swings! Its totally out of control..n infact,its taking a toil on me.. If someone makes me happy.. i'm all GLEEFUL.. totally showin off all of my teeth.. If any1 hurts me.. or if i come across smth upsetting.. I can cry the whole day abt it, doesnt matter if its trivial.. I juz recoved from a week full of flu n inflammed throat.. so i didnt call mum cos i didnt want her to hear my 'sick' voice n get worried.. I got better 2 days ago.. but cldnt have a good convo with her.. I just called her n she was busy. Busy nursing her grandsons.. my brother was at home n i cld hear my dad at the back.. n she cut my call short. I really wanted to tell her.. ma pls talk to me.. im lonely. But i just didnt wanna mk myself sound worst. As it is, she's already sad tt she cant take care of me during my 1st pregnanncy. I always sound strong n confident when i speak to her. N cry after the call.. I really miss my mom. I really do. In my 27yrs of life, I never missed her this much. I never missed my family this much. It has been 7mths since i saw them.. I miss all of them alot... I juz hope i can see them..n stay with them for at least 3 days. Me n nasri shld be there.. I want my family to treat us well.. My colleagues n staff celebrate my pregnancy n make me feel so special. But somehow, i can enjoy the complete happiness of 'motherhood' cos i just miss something so important to me... I miss them so much... I really hope i will get a chance to see them all... Ameen