Zoobi Dooobbii Rampa!

Dearest diary.. Its been ages since i wrote. the last update was abt.. their visit rite?.. ok n now im reallllliiiii tired to list down things 1 by 1.. let me just write them in point form as i remb... 1) anisa's engagement was carried out very well.. alhamdullilah.. 2)ppl at home were talking abt my pantang n all.. mami said she dunno how to tk care of me so they wantd to hire a confinement lady.. n nasri felt bad. so he told me tt he is ok to give in to anythg tt makes me happy. which means, if i wanna go singapore for giving birth he's ok with it too.. he will come over n visit me whenever he can 3)mum n dad left to india on nov 20th.. i kinda miss them la.. no matter wat they did.. they r my parents.. 4)arussiya is preggy.. 2mths.. n no1 told me abt it.. until 2 weeks later..ahh! fuck it again! 5)baby is growing well..alhamdullilah..i can feel the kicks n punches now n then. n it was reallllyyyy bad today. i felt the first movement at Gama. weird..but yea..lol 6)shafi ordered a tin of murukku for me just cos i kept eating hers at her home. lol... 7) im getting realllli emotional n sensitive nowadayz..n picking a fight with syg often.. i realli feel bad.. he has done so much for me n this is wat i can give him? I cried during my prayer n told the almighty to help me control my emotions..n to love nasri like i have always did. i apologised to him after tt. alhamdullilah.. its btr now.. no 'upsetting' moments yet 8) I guess tts it for now.. i will edit this post if i remb anything more.. :D

ENUFF is ENUFF!!! SeriouslY!

Haiz..im tired. Very emotionally tired.Enuff is enuff - seriously! Mum n rashidah came over on sat. n things got only worst! Mum was not even serious at the first go. She was rude to mama also. She said we r like naatamai parambarai in ooru.. n i was a born kodeeswari.. alot of stuff la. she also mentioned abt the london bastard like 3 times. Mama was cool at first n he got heated gradually. when mama askd mum to list out 1 bad quality of my husband, she said 'oh, every1 has their flaws'. How uurghh!! She kept saying tt london guy wantd to give building n jewellery. n mama said if i had gotten a local gal for my son she wld hv earned 4-5k. now ur daughter is jobless.. n tts a huge point for my family.. mum lookd at me n said ' paathiya... sor podratha solli kaatrange'. mama said if it was me i wld hv chased her out long ago.. my son is taking care of her so well... n she said.. oh ok.. then mama said..' enna ithe? magen sethalum parava illa, marumagel thaali aruthalum parava illene solreenga' ... n when he said if u cont talking like this i can mk this the last time u seeing ur daughter..n my mum turned to me n said..' see, this is the last time. ur ok with it?' wat the fuck..seriously! when mama askd cant u guys even hold a nikkah? She said..oh, all my son's acquaaintances will ask, wat mapillai, wat ooru.. bla bla.. wat will i tell. ya allah! I realli dunno wat she was thinking when she said tt. but she made things worst for me now.. husband is not even ready to patch back now. he was atleast considering previously. rite now. its a no-no! Achuma msg me.. saying ur mama spoke so bad abt vaapa n u kept quiet? when ur mama told mum to bring u, ur hubby juz kept quiet.. seems he loves his dad more than u.. cant she even think?? if i speak, it will onli mk things worst! how will it even help the situation?? n she said, ur mama call u a danda soru! Throw all the money u earn on his face! I said tts not wat he meant - when mum spoke abt the building n jewellery, he spoke abt this thing. she was talking abt his gains n he spoke abt his. but wat was ur intention of coming down? it onli made things worst now.. it has not even helped the slightest bit.. n she replied.. aft all he said, this is ur reply?mum was supporting u in fact. u lost ur self respect to them. i think even if they ask u to stay thr w/o seeing us..u will agree.. i cried on my way back in taxi.. to think of wat kind of family u ended up with.. but now i think this is wat ur worth... its not her gain u stupid! its ur loss... (hahhaa, wats my loss? That london dog???) n i replied how was mum even supporting me?she talking like tt did it even make things btr? how will my husband who treats me like a queen feel when he is compared to the london guy?? he beats up his wife! I hope u guys noe tt.. try to think from my position or at least understand wat im saying w/o any prejudice.. u seem to be assuming ur own meaning... mama didnt speak 100% rite.. but mum must not have spoken like that. now who is at loss?? US! not HIM!! n bloody bitch can onli reply with... how u noe he beat up his wife? I said i have my sources... u can check if u want she replied..i noe this is wat u will reply... i will check AARRGGHHHHH!!!! How the FUCK did i live with these kind of MONGRELSSSSSS!!!!!!! I'm gonna give them 1 last fucking chance.. if they blow my hoots or raise my temper.. fucking arses! Im gonna tell my husband to call them.. n tell them not to disturb me n that their bother is affecting my baby! I'M JUZ FUCKING ANNOYED N IRRITATED WITH THESE PPL!

RECAP!!

OOKkkk.... let me see where i left! it was the phone call episode rite? a hell load of things happened after that (as usual) n my life, is EVER exciting! :P OK, sooo.. after that phone call day, i think abt 2 days later, my sis textd me giving me alot of advices bla bla bla..n i was trying to reason out with her..well, not really reason out but more like explaining n telling her how i feel. In the end, she only could tell me that: i) I cant be bothered to do anything to patch the 2 families up ii) I am being self content and am happy that i am happy. So, i cant bother about those around me I didnt give a damn about that. I have always known wat kind of a person she was. That nite, husband read all the msgs between me n my sis n asked me abt that the following morning. I told him wat all me n mum spoke... He was kinda upset that i am going thru so much n that my family keeps hurting me even though im expecting.. n he told me to do myself a favour n dont contact them or entertain them anymore. I agreed n said ok The next nite, sis msgs me that mum swallowed a card of panadols n was rushed to the hospi by my bro... I know that she knows that neither panadol nor pcm kills, but i dont know why she still tried that... but she was ok after that. she called me the day after n said tt she would like to meet me.. she n my other sis wanna come to see me (note: my other sis will be only accompanying my mum).. after some thinking, i told her a couple of days later that its btr that she comes with my dad n settles e probs at 1 go rather than visiting me with my other sis Besides that sucky prob, i went for scanning on Oct 6th. The little bundle of Barakath inside me is 5.6cm long...n was bouncing of from the bed of my uterus twice! it even waved. Mashallah!! I teared!! I never knew i would go thru this!! I thot i had hurt my mum alot n would never get a chance to bear a child. Allah is ever gracious! Subhanallah!

sy dah jd anak yatim...

A child which was thrown away at birth or abandoned n ignored later is just the same. I was also thrown away...26yrs later. Though they keep blaming me tt cos of me all this happened.. Bla bla bla.. I still got thrown away. If they really needed me or wantd me they wld hv kept me no matter wat...

The Phone Call

Remember me saying how much i missed my mum..I think Allah was so merciful towards me to show me who should i miss and who aint worthy of my feelings.. or infact, who dont bother much abt me... She called me back on Thursday during work.. It started well. she askd me how i was feeling, whether i had lunch n all.. N i askd her ' ok so wat abt coming down here to talk to my in-laws?' n she started.. It seems my side is worried on how my in laws will receive them. whether they will get the due respect n honor (:P). Ok, that is ok.. even though they give more importance to their honor n pride rather than me n my baby.. its ok. But wat she went on to say, i cant tk it.. she told me to leave to home without telling any1 here.. n when i askd wat r u talking about? How can i do that? How will i go to the airport? n she said.. take a cab.. n i was like ? ???? ' so u want me to leave my husband? dont tell him?' n she said..oh just tell him, do a drama.. say tt u wanna see ur parents n all n ask him to send u.. n once ur here dont go back. they will give in once u give birth. I realli dunno her niyat. She cannot respect another muslim. She cant even think for a minute from their shoes or even mine. Wat she said was soooo absurd to me. No mother who wants her daughter to hv a peaceful like with her husband will ever say that.She said if i was smart enuff i can coax my husband n settle in my homeland. n when i said how can i do it alone, i need family support.. n she said u did all these on ur own wat..this 1 u dunno how to do ah? I said cos i did it on my own im struggling now..if u all cm n do for me nicely it wld all hv been so much btr.. N worst aft that, she still can talk abt my old proposal.Well, this topic came up when i said they didnt treat my husband's side well when they came to see me.. n she said owh.. cos i was so hurt tt u didnt want tt guy. I said.. tt guy drinks n lies n even challenged to marry me e moment i told him tt i dont like him... yet u still like him rite? n she reasoned, he said he will give so much of jewellery... n even a building.. bla bla... i totally lost it. i said its ok ma, leave it.. u dont hv to give in.let me be like this... bye. n hung up... i cried like a baby aft tt.. I really duno y she cant give in n accept the reality. I am far more happier in life now...but this, she can never accept... last nite, rashidah was trying to reason out with me.. n she even said ' even i was upset tt u got married to ur liking' wat the fuking hell?? Bloody ass.. even u had a love marriage. just cos urs failed, so?? N when i said..its ok, im glad tt im happpy here, she said..see! ur so self centered.. all u need is ur happiness. tts y u not doing anything. n she kenna nicely from me also. i said if im so self centred n happy i wont be doing so much ok.. im trying to patch up both sides.. but family dun wanna help.wat u want me to do?? I dunno when they r gonna change n compromise.. but aft tt phone call with my mum, i made up my mind in a way.. I dont need people with these kind of ego n false pride in my life. Neither me nor my baby needs them. Good nite.

Moodswings.

It took me 5 mins to create this blog. I had to do it real fast cos i need a venue to vent out my thots n expressions.. I'm having a throbbing headache u noe! ... I'm 10 n a half weeks pregnant. 1st pregnancy. And im doing this instead of a conventional book diary sort cos it can be really personal. I dont want any1 to know that my feelings n emotions r pouring over this blog until I want them to. and that wld probably be the days towards the end of my pregnancy period... I hope this blog would serve as a memory for myself.. a reference for my kid(s)/husband...etc. I'm really feeling so lonely today. Pregnancy.. esp early trimester, is not fun at all! It really sucks as much as it is delightful. I was excited n elated at the thot that I'm gonna be a mummy to enter a new phase of my life.. and totally appreciative of the care that I get from everyone, close or far... However, my body is not coorperating with my mind. especially when i'm working... I get so tired easily.. And even if that can be managed.. oh my god! My mood swings! Its totally out of control..n infact,its taking a toil on me.. If someone makes me happy.. i'm all GLEEFUL.. totally showin off all of my teeth.. If any1 hurts me.. or if i come across smth upsetting.. I can cry the whole day abt it, doesnt matter if its trivial.. I juz recoved from a week full of flu n inflammed throat.. so i didnt call mum cos i didnt want her to hear my 'sick' voice n get worried.. I got better 2 days ago.. but cldnt have a good convo with her.. I just called her n she was busy. Busy nursing her grandsons.. my brother was at home n i cld hear my dad at the back.. n she cut my call short. I really wanted to tell her.. ma pls talk to me.. im lonely. But i just didnt wanna mk myself sound worst. As it is, she's already sad tt she cant take care of me during my 1st pregnanncy. I always sound strong n confident when i speak to her. N cry after the call.. I really miss my mom. I really do. In my 27yrs of life, I never missed her this much. I never missed my family this much. It has been 7mths since i saw them.. I miss all of them alot... I juz hope i can see them..n stay with them for at least 3 days. Me n nasri shld be there.. I want my family to treat us well.. My colleagues n staff celebrate my pregnancy n make me feel so special. But somehow, i can enjoy the complete happiness of 'motherhood' cos i just miss something so important to me... I miss them so much... I really hope i will get a chance to see them all... Ameen